These are just my thoughts.
So, I had an ego death recently. A lot of who I am was learned, as opposed to being a personification of core values of mine that were developed over time. Obviously, I do the things I (willingly) do because I want to do them, go the places I go because I want to be there, and so on. But in a deeper, more psychological way, I can be to myself as a child is to its parents, regurgitating principles, ethics, decisions, and the like, because it’s “right.” Disclaimer: I won’t use analogies and writer jargon to string you along for some long, self-revolving, crowded essay that serves no purpose but to make me seem all-wise. Follow along while I explain.
Naturally, the next question I gathered to ask myself after this train of thought struck was, “do I think it’s right because it’s right, or because no one ever showed me how it was wrong?” Take for example, my business savvy. I can be a bit of a shark at times, which to me, and virtually every male that came before me in my bloodline, is a great asset. Dare I say, I may not possess half of the things I have, both tangible and intangible, if it were not for this skillset. But, you could make a good case that this “skillset” stems from a selfish nature, a deep need for validation, and my least favorite attribute in human nature.. the need to exhibit dominance or power in every day to day interaction. You could also make the case that Kayo, himself, the “anti-capitalist” who “capitalizes every time” is everthing he fights against, a raging capitalist that doesn’t even recognize his own hand in the system. I mean what did I even mean by that line? Why do we feel the need to capitalize on everything? I’m getting off topic now. Basically what I’m saying is I am deeply flawed. This isn’t even me scratching the surface, just a quick and trivial example of how not only are my “principles and values” at risk of being extremely unethical and otherwise illogical, but they may not even be my principles and values in the first place. A close friends of mine told me some weeks back, “it must crush your ego to find out you aren’t the person you claim to be.” Since that day I’ve unraveled up until this point, trying to make sense of it all. How could I not be who I claim to be? I literally AM me. I claim to be me, nothing and no one else. So where’s the disconnect? For just one more paragraph, please, follow along.
I depend on a lot of people close to me for things I probably shouldn’t. Top of that list, being my own self identity, self love, and self appreciation. This weekend was one of the most important weekends of my life. The people closest to me actually don’t know why, just that I keep randomly saying it. A lot was riding on the events of these last 3 or 4 days. By Friday, my anxiety was through the roof and some people near me just were not helping. I won’t get into how things were getting made worse but just trust, whoever had my voodoo doll must’ve been hating on me from afar. I started to break down by Saturday and no one noticed. Stress was at an all-time high and again, the people closest had no clue. Not only did I not receive much acknowledgments for some flawless victories on my end, but it was like the whole world banned together and said “how can we make his day even harder?” And yes, they thoroughly succeeded. And it was eating away at me. Now, time for the kicker. My ego death. I figured out why I crave validation so much, and let me tell you, it is SICKENING. The answer is in the very first paragraph (yeah, sorry, you could’ve stopped reading there). I crave validation because my ethics, my morals, my principles, my values, my day to day handling, is rooted in who I’ve learned is the “right” version of myself, as opposed to who I actually am. I don’t want to need anyone but God. In order to do that, I need to become the version of myself that doesn’t need approval, the version of myself that is who he is because that’s who he chose to be. I need.. to become me. And you should become you.
I think I’m starting to break free.